Rahab. Why was it so important that her story share that she was a prostitute? The story could’ve been just a woman named Rahab, instead it is the prostitute Rahab. I realize that we will never know if Rahab wanted her story to be shared including that part of her life. Maybe that is how God wanted her story to be told. God saw the importance of every detail in Rahab’s life and wanted it to be shared.
For a while now God has been tugging at my heart to share my story. Perhaps he has been tugging a lot longer and I am just now noticing. However, as much as God has been whispering I feel the devil shouting. Every time I think about the details of my testimony I feel fear, guilt, ashamed, unworthy.
“If my family knew what I’ve done they would be ashamed.”
“If my friends knew the details they would judge me.”
“If the man I am dating knew my past he would definitely not be interested.”
Well no more. Here is my testimony – May my story bring you glory.
I grew up in church, was baptized at two, went to a Lutheran school through 7th grade and was extremely active with my youth group all through high school. As some may remember from my last blog a lot changed in my early 20s. I went through a terrible divorce that challenged my relationship with God. As God was waiting with outstretched arms to comfort me, in my time of need, I went the opposite direction. Let’s just say I ran the opposite direction.
For the next 8 years I spiraled from one bad relationship to the next. Trying desperately to please any man that gave me attention. I’ve been verbally abused, emotionally broken, cheated on and lied too. I also fought spitefully with anger, was jealous, lied and cheated. I constantly felt heart broken. I am pretty sure I spent more time crying in my relationships than when I was single.
About halfway through this spiral I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I had lost my job, car, boyfriend of almost 3 years and had to move back in with my parents. I quickly turned to a new man, partying and heavy drinking. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse….. I found out I was pregnant. There I was alone in my parent’s bathroom staring at this stick crying and terrified. I called two friends and both gave advice one said keep, the other said abort. My heart is heavy as I type that I chose the latter. I hid everything from my family, had that friend drive me to the clinic and tried to pretend like it never happened.
Fast forward another year I was 25 years old and back with my ex-boyfriend. This time around he started doing drugs… at first I was devastated but the sad part is I was more devastated at the idea of losing him than the fact he was sneaking behind my back doing drugs! So naturally I thought ‘if you can’t stop him, join him’. Two years of drinking, drugs, fighting and lots more crying. How had I fallen so far?
I know right now, as you read this, you are waiting for the climax of my story, some life changing event where I decided to turn it all around. Nothing just “turns around” after the things I have been through…. But God knew that and was still at work in my life.
At 27 years old that relationship ended for good and with it the drugs. Around the same time God placed me in a new position at work that moved my desk next to a woman who was on fire for Him. Her tattered bible sat on her desk as she spoke freely of his love and compassion. I never felt judged and openly shared much of my life with her. She gave me the book Captivating and challenged me to pray and read my bible. I could feel Gods presence in our conversations and soaked it all up! He was there still, he loved me and he wasn’t done with my story yet. My story was just beginning.
As I share my testimony I feel that fear rise up, however I will no longer let fear rule my life. I will no longer fear the darkness. God was not ashamed of Rahab and he is not ashamed of me nor you. No matter what your past, what mistakes you have made, what failures you have, He is right there with loving arms open ready to forgive and help you heal.
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace
2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
In one of Amanda’s previous messages she said “May our story bring him glory”. I have felt God pulling me to take the first step forward, and that by sharing my story it will help others. I am not sure how yet but I have finally taken the first step in faith. I have thrown my red cord out and can’t wait to see what God brings next.
Thy Will Be Done.