My Red Cord

Rahab. Why was it so important that her story share that she was a prostitute? The story could’ve been just a woman named Rahab, instead it is the prostitute Rahab. I realize that we will never know if Rahab wanted her story to be shared including that part of her life. Maybe that is how God wanted her story to be told. God saw the importance of every detail in Rahab’s life and wanted it to be shared.

For a while now God has been tugging at my heart to share my story. Perhaps he has been tugging a lot longer and I am just now noticing. However, as much as God has been whispering I feel the devil shouting. Every time I think about the details of my testimony I feel fear, guilt, ashamed, unworthy.

“If my family knew what I’ve done they would be ashamed.”

“If my friends knew the details they would judge me.”

“If the man I am dating knew my past he would definitely not be interested.”

Well no more. Here is my testimony – May my story bring you glory.

I grew up in church, was baptized at two, went to a Lutheran school through 7^th grade and was extremely active with my youth group all through high school.  As some may remember from my last blog a lot changed in my early 20s. I went through a terrible divorce that challenged my relationship with God. As God was waiting with outstretched arms to comfort me, in my time of need, I went the opposite direction. Let’s just say I ran the opposite direction.

For the next 8 years I spiraled from one bad relationship to the next. Trying desperately to please any man that gave me attention. I’ve been verbally abused, emotionally broken, cheated on and lied too. I also fought spitefully with anger, was jealous, lied and cheated. I constantly felt heart broken. I am pretty sure I spent more time crying in my relationships than when I was single.

About halfway through this spiral I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I had lost my job, car, boyfriend of almost 3 years and had to move back in with my parents. I quickly turned to a new man, partying and heavy drinking. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse….. I found out I was pregnant. There I was alone in my parent’s bathroom staring at this stick crying and terrified. I called two friends and both gave advice one said keep, the other said abort. My heart is heavy as I type that I chose the latter. I hid everything from my family, had that friend drive me to the clinic and tried to pretend like it never happened.

Fast forward another year I was 25 years old and back with my ex-boyfriend.  This time around he started doing drugs… at first I was devastated but the sad part is I was more devastated at the idea of losing him than the fact he was sneaking behind my back doing drugs! So naturally I thought ‘if you can’t stop him, join him’. Two years of drinking, drugs, fighting and lots more crying. How had I fallen so far?

I know right now, as you read this, you are waiting for the climax of my story, some life changing event where I decided to turn it all around. Nothing just “turns around” after the things I have been through…. But God knew that and was still at work in my life.

At 27 years old that relationship ended for good and with it the drugs. Around the same time God placed me in a new position at work that moved my desk next to a woman who was on fire for Him. Her tattered bible sat on her desk as she spoke freely of his love and compassion. I never felt judged and openly shared much of my life with her. She gave me the book Captivating and challenged me to pray and read my bible. I could feel Gods presence in our conversations and soaked it all up! He was there still, he loved me and he wasn’t done with my story yet. My story was just beginning.

As I share my testimony I feel that fear rise up, however I will no longer let fear rule my life. I will no longer fear the darkness. God was not ashamed of Rahab and he is not ashamed of me nor you. No matter what your past, what mistakes you have made, what failures you have, He is right there with loving arms open ready to forgive and help you heal.

Ephesians 1:7

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace

2 Corinthians 12:9

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

In one of Amanda’s previous messages she said “May our story bring him glory”. I have felt God pulling me to take the first step forward, and that by sharing my story it will help others. I am not sure how yet but I have finally taken the first step in faith. I have thrown my red cord out and can’t wait to see what God brings next.

Thy Will Be Done.

Shipwrecked: Sink or Swim?

There I was, 21 and going through a divorce.

Leaving an abusive relationship; I was scared, angry, broken, ashamed and betrayed. How could God let this happen? What did I do wrong?

That was when I decided God wasn’t going to be a part of my relationships anymore. I mean, He was a part of my marriage. We prayed together, attended church, did bible study, and look how that turned out.

Going my own way, I started seeking approval, happiness and fulfillment in having a large group of “friends” and another very unhealthy relationship. Again I was hurt, betrayed by people I thought were my friends, by the person I thought loved me. In all honesty though, I was betraying myself! By not having God at the center of these relationships they were shallow, selfish and superficial.

It could be easy to look back at my failed relationships and friendships over the last decade and feel hopeless.

OR

I could learn how to better navigate the buoys!

I am reminded of a scripture Paul wrote to us single ladies.

1 Corinthians 7:25-26, 32-34

²⁵ Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you. ²⁶ Because of the present crisis, I think it is best to remain as you are.

 ³² I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. ³³ But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife.³⁴ His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit.

This has become one of my favorite passages. It reminds me that being single can be a blessing. We live in a world so focused on dating, marriage, sex, and relationships. From the time we pop out of the womb it seems every movie, game and toy is about finding the person that “completes” you.

When a relationship ends it can feel like the world has ended also.

As Pastor Blake reminds us, “We’ve all had shipwrecked relationships, spouses, friends, parents…. What treasure can we take from that shipwreck?” Looking at my fleet of shipwrecks I have found there is hidden treasure in each one. My broken relationship with God was restored. I am reminded that God has never given up on me, he has never turned his back on me. It’s hard to even fathom a love that great.

How could he love me, in all my brokenness?

But he does…

John 15:12-13 (NLT)

¹² This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ¹³ There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

And that is what He did. Jesus came and died on the cross because he loved us so much and wanted to give us eternal life in heaven. Why wouldn’t I want to be best friends with him?! Only by leaning on God and putting that relationship first will I be able to love others the way he loves me.

John 13:35 (NLT)

³⁵ Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

DO JUSTLY, LOVE MERCY, WALK HUMBLY

I can’t believe it’s so close. So excited for this mission trip and all the shoes that have been donated! I accomplished my goal to fill 2 large suitcases! Thank you all who donated ❤. Pray that this trip will be everything God desires.

Corona was very interested to see all the shoes also 🙂